It Shouldn’t Be This Hard for a Woman in a Wheelchair to Get a Pedicure

Federal laws prohibit businesses from discriminating against disabilities, and yet stories are still going viral about differently abled women being denied service at nail salons. How is this happening? Writer Madison Lawson investigates.

Early last week a screenshot of a Yelp review for a nail salon started surfacing on Facebook. In the post, a woman from St. Peters, Missouri, a suburb of St. Louis, wrote about the shock and frustration she felt when a salon manager turned her daughter Beth away from getting a pedicure. The reason, Mintner claimed: because Beth was in a wheelchair.

Like Beth, I live in suburban Missouri, I use a wheelchair, and I enjoy getting my nails done. I also understand that the fairly uneventful experience is uniquely different when you have a disability. It doesn’t change the way kicking back in a massage chair makes you feel—that’s still heaven—but when you’re unsure about how willing a salon will be to accommodate you, something as relaxing as a spa day can be the source of stress and anxiety.

As Dorothy Mintner, Beth’s mother, wrote in her now viral post, “I brought my daughter, who is disabled and in a wheelchair, to get a pedicure and manicure, and we were turned away. We were told they don’t do people like her.” She went on to explain that, despite the fact that both she and Beth’s friend offered to help Beth into a pedicure chair, the manager still refused service.

“I said, ‘I’m sorry—what?'” Mintner tells Glamour of the situation. “She said, ‘We don’t take people like her,’ to which I asked, ‘What do you mean?'” According to Mintner, there was a language barrier between her and the manager, who said they didn’t know what was “wrong” with Beth and kept repeating that they could not accommodate her. “At that point, I just really needed to leave,” says Mintner. “I was too upset. And you could tell Beth was very upset.”

Mintner says the ordeal was particularly painful because it was her first time taking Beth to get a pedicure in seven years, when Beth was in an accident that left her with a traumatic brain injury. Now Beth is nonverbal.

The salon manager (who is also part owner) of Q Nails spoke to local news station KSDK and admitted she denied Beth service due to fear of hurting her. Glamour reached out to the salon manager who, at press time, had not responded to a request for comment for this story.

The issue could also be a violation of Title III of the Americans With Disabilities Act, which prohibits discrimination from “activities” or “places of public accommodations” on the basis of disability. Mintner says she is now taking her case to the Missouri Commission on Human Rights, which can issue penalties against the salon, if they decide to take and rule on the case. According to KSDK, the penalties usually aren’t financial; rather, they could require the salon to retrain its staff or create new business policies.

The first time I went to Cierra, she asked me how I sit most comfortably. I told her the situation with my arms, and she brought her entire kit up to me so she could do my acrylics on the tray table of my wheelchair. I felt like everybody else in the salon. We spent our time gossiping about the Kardashians and our favorite trends. Now when I go in for an appointment, I don’t even think about the fact that I’m in a wheelchair because it’s not relevant. I’m just another paying customer.

You might be reading this as an able-bodied person thinking, How can I do anything to help? Recognize that people with disabilities make up the single minority that anybody could potentially become a part of at any point in their life. Seven years ago, before her accident, Beth walked into any salon she chose. She should be able to roll into any salon she wants to now.

Madison Lawson is a writer based in Columbia, Missouri. Follow her @wheelchairbarbie.

Source:

https://www.glamour.com/story/wheelchair-nail-salon-discrimination

 

Why Your Body Type Gains Weight, By Life Path Number

Your body type and personality are interconnected. Here’s how.

Weight gain is something that can affect us all differently, but when we’re not expecting to see a certain number when we step on the scale, it can really crush us emotionally.

This is especially true when you’re actually trying to work out more and eat healthily.

When the scale still says that you’re gaining weight, it’s upsetting.

I was able to go more than five years without really knowing just how much I weighed until my doctor said it out loud to me a few months ago.

In my personal opinion, knowing how much I weigh and if I’ve actually gained weight just makes me feel even more like I’m failing at getting healthy, even when I remind myself that it’s a journey and that even baby steps matter.

Of course, my life path number also proves that I can be pretty emotional and get caught up in little things that I know won’t matter eventually, so clearly, these two things don’t mix well.

 

For the longest time, our culture has been so obsessed with health treatments and exercise and asparagus juice from Whole Foods that if you weren’t flaunting your weight loss on Instagram you were an outcast.

I like to think that we’re starting to move toward a more body-positive culture and a more wellness-centered lifestyle, but I know that takes time.

The best advice I’ve ever gotten regarding my health and wellness is to just do whatever I want and choose the things that make me feel happy and healthy, without listening to a bunch of contradicting articles and experts.

Here is why you are gaining weight (and how to lose the pounds), according to your life path number.

Life Path 1

As a 1, you’re a born leader. No matter what you do in life, you have to be number one. In addition to that, you’re also incredibly independent – you don’t often let other people tell you what to do.

Deep inside you though, beyond this confidence, is a sense of cynicism and self-doubt. You’re a deep thinker and that can put a lot of stress on you.

Once you make something like cardio or meditation a routine thing, you’ll notice yourself feeling and looking healthier.

Life Path 2

As a 2, you are very emotional and sensitive. Everything you feel, you feel in the deepest crevices of yourself – in your body, heart, and soul.

You have a tendency to cope with the ups and downs of life with bad-for-you food and empty calories.

It’s important to learn how to separate your emotions from your physical self. Otherwise, you will always turn to comfort food and alcohol when you’re sad, stressed, or frustrated.

Engaging with friends and having a support system is a great way to continue to express yourself emotionally, just in a healthier way. Additionally, finding activities that make you feel good are important.

As a 3, self-expression is very important to who you are. There isn’t a moment in your life when you wish you had said something – because you’re always looking for ways to express yourself and communicate with others.

Of course, there are certainly times when people don’t want to hear what you have to say, which can make you feel like a burden.

When you find yourself gaining weight, it could be because you’re having a hard time finding the balance between over– and under-expressing your emotional self.

There are definitely times when a support system is the best way to express how you’re feeling, but there are also times when a kickboxing class or yoga is a much better creative outlet – let yourself explore it all!

As a 4, you highly value security and stability in your life and relationships. In everything you do, you have to know that there is a certain foundation that has been set beforehand to really ensure stability.

Hey, it’s just how you roll! That said, being such a stickler for security and stability can make you pretty stubborn.

When it comes to your health, being stubborn can be a good trait (like being able to stick to a diet) or it can be a bad thing (like putting unnecessary stress on yourself to succeed).

Not only can stress affect your emotional and mental health, but it can also affect you physically, too. The key to losing weight is to find relaxing techniques that actually work for you. You won’t believe what stress-reduction practices can do for your health.

Life Path 5

As a 5, adventure and excitement are your callings. You absolutely must have the freedom to be yourself and do whatever you want, without anyone holding you back.

When this call for adventure gets too unbalanced, it can make you feel claustrophobic and trapped in or even cranky and stressed.

All of this micromanaging your life and yourself can cause serious burnout, which can lead to a whole lot of other problems besides just weight gain. Sticking to a healthy routine that you can count on every day is a great place to start.

Light cardio in the morning, a walk with friends during lunch, and a healthy dinner in the evening are all low-stress ways to stay in shape and healthy.

Life Path 6

As a 6, you are known for being very responsible. You stick to your guns, even when everyone else around you is quitting. There’s definitely something admirable about striving for perfection in everything you do.

That said, perfection can easily turn into a four-letter word when it comes to your health.

It’s easy for that perfection to get in the way of the big picture. If you find yourself feeling like the things you’re doing for your health simply aren’t enough, it might be a good idea to take a step back.

You can become overly critical of your progress when it’s more important to appreciate how far you’ve come instead of criticizing how far you have left to go. Start with baby steps and remember that you don’t have to work hard for anyone’s approval but your own.

Life Path 7

As a 7, you are a deeply spiritual person. You are always looking for the meaning of life in the activities you do and in your own self-exploration. You are a very unique person in that you have both an intuitive and analytical side.

You sometimes get too caught up in your own head to let yourself be vulnerable, which can have an effect on your weight and body image.

If you want to lose weight and get healthier, it’s important for you to embrace that vulnerable part of yourself.

It’s okay to feel lost or confused on your health journey, but what you have to stop yourself from doing is letting these conflicting emotions win and giving up.

Make it a daily practice to express yourself in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, like through meditation or a group exercise.

Life Path 8

As an 8, you believe that success is measured intangible things, like money, a cushy job, or serious weight loss. You are one of those people who never seem to give up, even if it means pushing yourself past your limits.

People who know you know that you can be a workaholic at times, and you can even be a bit aggressive when trying to prove yourself.

If you’re not careful, this aggression can lead to a lot of stress-related issues and high blood pressure. It’s important to remember that there is no competition when it comes to health.

Life Path 9

As a 9, you are very selfless. You go through life always looking for ways to help others and put your friends and family first.

This is a great trait to have, but it also means you always put yourself second, even when it’s imperative that you let yourself be selfish and put yourself first.

Even if you don‘t always realize it, you tend to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders… talk about stressful.

You need to relieve the stress of being everyone’s caretaker by employing daily exercises like yoga, meditation, and even therapy to find the support you need to be your best self.

Source:

https://www.yourtango.com/2019327346/weight-gain-loss-life-path-numerology

 

5 Proven Ways to Learn to Love Yourself

 

As spiritual teacher and author, Iyanla Vanzant, puts it, “Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”

The way we view ourselves impacts our views and actions in every way. If we don’t feel worthy of love, we tend to accept mistreatment or even abuse. When we doubt our abilities, we hide away from pursuing our dreams. When feeling inadequate, people close themselves off to the limitless possibilities that life has to offer.

When we look inward and develop self-confidence, a world of opportunity opens. We gain the courage to realize our potential. When we value ourselves, we walk toward loving, supportive relationships. When we develop self-esteem, we feel confident to work hard toward achieving goals. Taking care of ourselves gives us the strength to inspire and care for others in need.

While it’s one thing to ruminate on loving yourself, actualizing self-worth can require a lot of reflection and life experience. Still, you can begin that lifelong journey one step at a time with these tips to loving yourself.

Developing Positive Thought Patterns

Thought patterns can have a huge impact on how we view ourselves and our experiences. Science looks at how repetitive thoughts, those little conversations we have inside our heads, have a big impact on wellbeing. If you find yourself in a loop of constantly doubting yourself or having anxious reactions to life then practicing positive thinking can help reverse those patterns. Psychologists and spiritual leaders suggest different methods for reversing harmful thought patterns such as mindfulness meditation, positive affirmations, and journaling.

Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation involves bringing awareness to the present moment. Dr. John Paul Minda, a professor of psychology at the University of Western Ontario in London, Ontario, explains,” Mindfulness meditation can help people to be more attentive to their own emotions. By being aware of negative feelings as soon as they arise, people can engage in positive remediation rather than dwelling on the negative cognition.”

Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations refer to repeated statements, often written down or spoken out loud, that inspire confidence and optimism. They can help to reverse the negative loop in our minds by replacing them with constructive thinking. For example, you can write down or say to yourself things like, “I am good enough,” “I am worthy of love,” “I can overcome anything one step at a time.”

Journaling

Journaling has a proven positive effect on self-esteem and works like a natural “antidepressant”. It gives a person the chance to process experiences. Also, writing about stressful situations can help diminish their perceived intensity. Spending just 15 minutes a day journaling increases self-confidence and leads to better mental, emotional, and physical health.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

Big changes don’t happen overnight. Cultivating self-love involves a fluid, constant journey of healing and self-reflection. With patience, compassion, and persistence, you can build a deeper sense of self-worth over time.

Taking small steps and setting aside a little time each day toward loving yourself will pay off in all areas of your life. Developing self-love sets the foundation for every other aspect of your life. With inner strength and confidence, you can approach obstacles with courage. By cultivating compassion for yourself, you can embrace others with the same level of care and understanding. By realizing your worth and embracing your individuality, you will inspire and lift up others to do the same.

Source:

https://www.goodnet.org/articles/5-proven-ways-to-learn-love-yourself

12 Affordable Products to treat Eczema On Your Face

Eczema anywhere on your body is a curse, but eczema on your face is a special kind of hell. It can come on suddenly, take forever to go away, and make you look and feel like you’ve been punched, burned, rubbed with poison ivy, or all of the above. To the uninitiated, it’s hard to explain how self-conscious facial eczema can make you—your face, after all, is what you’re presenting to the world, and to lose control of how it looks and feels is miserable.

“There are a lot of different kinds of eczema,” explains dermatologist Mona Gohara, M.D., an associate clinical professor at Yale University, who names atopic dermatitis, irritant contract dermatitis, and allergic contact dermatitis as just three examples. Each kind of eczema may benefit from a different treatment, which is why it’s important to see your derm to work out a personalized plan if your eczema is severe, unexpected, or doesn’t heal within a couple weeks. Some people may benefit from steroids or prescription creams, like Eucrisa, while others may just need to change up their routine. (The biggest misconception Dr. Gohara says patients have about eczema? “That you can’t be irritated by or allergic to something that you have used for many years,” she says. Turns out, you can be.)

Whether you’re dealing with a flare-up, trying to avoid steroid creams, or just looking for something to calm your skin while you wait for this bout to pass, here are some tried-and-true drugstore treatments we swear by.

1.

THE BUDGET-FRIENDLY PICK

Virgin Coconut Oil

Brandless

$3.00

The coconut oil craze may have passed, but using a touch of it—just a touch!—is still a good trick for calming down your skin. You can use more of it on your body if you get flare-ups there, but just use a fingertip’s worth for your face, focusing on the areas where your eczema is its worst. Bonus: It’s literally $3.

2.

THE OINTMENT THAT NEVER FAILS- Healing Ointment

Aquaphor

$10.68

The original, and still the best. Aquaphor is a petroleum jelly–based ointment that the pros recommend slathering on your skin immediately after a shower or bath to lock in moisture. It won’t leave irritated skin feeling even more irritated, and it’ll provide a barrier between your skin and anything that might hurt it (the weather, pollutants, etc). I like using the kind developed specifically for babies—to me, it’s the gentlest.

3.

THE AWARD-WINNER – Skin Protectant

First Aid Beauty

$31.99

Last winter, when my eczema was at its worst, I would pop into Sephora, reach for sample jar, and dab some of this on my skin if it was feeling particularly itchy. But it’s actually worth stocking up on the super-effective product. You wouldn’t be alone—as Allure points out, a tub of Ultra Repair Cream is literally sold every minute. 

4.

ECZEMA HONEY
eczema honey

$6.99

Eczema Honey is a line developed specifically for eczema sufferers, with a single, gentle product for each issue—one soap, one body cream, one bath bomb, and so on—and this lip balm does the job. You can use whether you get eczema on your lips or not, whether you’re flaring up or not—and it smells great, too.

5.

THE FLARE-UP FIXER – Intensive Healing Lotion

AMAZON
Cortizone 10

$7.88

This one isn’t for the faint of heart, but if you want to steer clear of steroid or prescription creams, try this during a flare-up—it’s for that moment that you can’t bear to itch anymore, but you also know that steroid creams won’t work for your skin.

6.

THE AQUAPHOR ALTERNATIVE – White Petroleum
Vaseline

$20.35

“I love Vaseline,” says Dr. Gohara. “Especially around the eyes, where facial eczema can be very prevalent.”While Aquaphor is part petroleum jelly, part other ointments and oils, Vaseline is just pure petroleum jelly. (Again, if your skin is super-sensitive, go for the baby-friendly variety—the gentler, the better.) Vaseline goes on heavier than Aquaphor, since the latter is more easily absorbed by your skin, and it’s more of a protectant than a treatment.

7.

THE PRODUCT THAT LASTS ALL DAY – Eight Hour Cream

Elizabeth Arden

$22.00

This Eight Hour Cream is legendary in skincare circles. While not developed for eczema specifically, I’ve found that a tiny amount of this goes a long way toward treating my issues—it’s thicker and stickier than most of the others on this list, but it also sits more comfortably on my sensitive skin than any other premium skincare product. In particular, if you get eczema on your lips (or have dry, cracked lips generally), this is perfect—make sure you get the fragrance-free kind.

8.

THE EVERYDAY CLASSIC – Moisturizing Cream

CeraVe

$14.24

When it comes to a one-size-fits-all skincare lines for eczema-prone skin—as opposed to using different brands for cleansing, moisturizing, toning, etc.—CeraVe is widely considered the best. It’s gentle, well-established in the industry, and offers a range of products, from cleanser to hand cream to eye cream, that you can use without worrying about new ingredients upsetting your skin.

9.

THE SUNSCREEN STICK – Sunscreen Stick

Shiseido

$24.38

Plot twist: This is not an eczema treatment, but it is the only sunscreen I can use when my skin is flaring up. Given that you’re reading an article about beauty products, you probably already know how vitally important it is to wear sunscreen every day (yes, every day, rain or shine)—and not just a foundation with SPF, but bona fide sunscreen in its own right. The sun is the number-one ager of skin, and if you slather on sunscreen you’ll also be protecting yourself from skin cancers. (Win-win.) So, for those days where you can’t bear to put anything but Aquaphor on your irritated skin—but you know you have to wear sunscreen too—try this.

10.

THE ANTIBIOTIC DERIVATIVE – Eczema Essentials

Neosporin

$11.47

“Wait, Neosporin?” I hear you say. “Isn’t that an antibiotic?” Yes, but Neosporin also has a line of very serious-looking “Eczema Essentials” skincare products that promise to reduce pain, scarring, inflammation, itching…any symptoms of eczema that are causing your distress. Consider this not an eczema treatment, per se, but a way to reduce its symptoms.

11.

THE DERM-RECOMMENDED FACE SOAP – Beauty Bar

Dove

$7.49

“This is mild and moisturizing,” says Dr. Gohara, who adds that Dove is her go-to cleanser recommendation for patients with eczema. (Pro tip: Get the unscented kind.)

Avène

$28.00

So, miracle upon miracle, your eczema is gone. Hooray! But you know that one patch of dry skin that isn’t well-moisturized can kick-start the whole cycle again. Don’t fret: This moisturizer, the best I’ve tried in its field, will keep your skin hydrated for hours at a time. Unlike Aquaphor and Vaseline, which can result in skin shinier than the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, this cream will go on light and leave you glowing (in the good way).

Source:

https://www.marieclaire.com/beauty/g25731892/ezcema-on-face-cream/

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

I came across this article and found it very inspiring.  I hope you do as well.  If you didn’t know, I have a FB group, Lead with deed, where people can share random acts of kindness and inspirational articles.  I’d love to hear your stories!

30 Days of Kindness:

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

I don’t know his name, but his messy, shoulder-length hair hides a pair of hauntingly blue eyes. It’s a warm September day in New York, but he’s sitting under a mountain of ragged bits of clothing, towels and blankets. In one hand, he loosely holds a piece of string attached to the neck of a small, mangy-looking dog lying next to him. In the other hand, he clutches a nearly empty bottle of cheap vodka. His bright eyes briefly glance at me without recognition or focus. I don’t know what makes me pause.

My initial thought is to give him money, though I just avoided eye contact with the last 10 people, sputtering that I didn’t have any. And my mom’s words come to mind: “He’ll only spend it on drugs or alcohol.” So I turn to the closest Nathan’s stand and buy him a hot dog, chips and soda.

When I approach him, I feel awkward, my donation insignificant. As if I’m offering a glass of water to a man trapped in a burning building. Is he more of a ketchup or mustard guy? The absurd thought turns my face hot. What comfort will a nutritionally deficient meal with a side of dehydration be to a man who sleeps on cement and spends a life generally invisible to the world?

But when he sees my outstretched hands, he smiles, dropping the bottle and leash to accept the meal with shaky fingers. We don’t exchange any words, but his smile lingers with me.

Can random acts of kindness actually increase and sustain happiness?

It’s only the sixth day of my month-long challenge to find the joy in making someone’s day every day, and up until now, I had felt like a failure. It wasn’t for lack of trying, but rather questioning whether seemingly small gestures were actually accomplishing my goal. Can I really find joy by giving to those around me? Can random acts of kindness actually increase and sustain happiness?

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

Turns out they can, but there are exceptions. To find lasting happiness through generosity requires a suppression of our ego, an analysis of our motives and a reflection on how these acts alter our perception of the world.

How Generosity Benefits Us

As children, our parents tell us to make up for misbehaving by doing something nice for someone. As adults, we help friends move into a new house; we bring hot meals to new mothers; we might even donate time or money to local charities a few times a year. After all, it’s naturally uncomfortable to see a friend (or stranger) suffering or in need. Call it karma or mojo, but these acts are generally reciprocated. We receive tax breaks, returned meals and favors, thank-you notes. Tit for tat.

But what about pure, altruistic generosity, without the expectation of receiving something in return? Some researchers argue this type of generosity doesn’t exist. But I set out to see whether I could learn to give without the promise of getting. I made lists of various kind acts and placed reminders on my bathroom mirror, my work computer, my car dashboard: Make someone’s day today!

My first act of kindness was buying coffee for the woman behind me in the drive-thru lane at Starbucks. In fact, my first few acts were buying something for someone—lunch for an old friend, a copy of my favorite book to a stranger—but they didn’t make me feel much of anything. The recipients were grateful, but was I really making their day, and was that really boosting my happiness?

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

At the end of each day, I reflected how being kind made me feel. I dug for tangible proof of my growth. Some days felt more significant: buying cough syrup for the two coughing boys in pajamas at the pharmacy, for example. Their father, who had dark circles under his eyes, rubbed the bridge of his nose as his credit card was declined a second time. I couldn’t tell whether he was more embarrassed or grateful, but I like to think he slept a little easier that night, and I left the pharmacy feeling pretty good.

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

Countless studies tout the physical, mental and social benefits of receiving generosity. But until the 1980s, the effects on the giver were relatively unknown. Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a psychology professor at UC Riverside and a leading happiness researcher, conducted a study in 2004 to determine whether committing five random acts of kindness would increase positive emotions. The short-term study revealed promising results with heightened levels of positive emotions, particularly in the participants who carried out all five acts of kindness on the same day. Spreading the acts over a week, Lyubomirsky theorized, led to a repetitive and often unoriginal pattern that either didn’t change the level of positive emotions or, in some cases, even lowered it.

Admittedly I experienced some form of generosity fatigue around the second week of my challenge. It’s easy to float through the day wrapped up in our own heads, focusing only on what directly impacts us. Consciously searching for new and different ways to improve someone else’s day was more difficult than I had anticipated. We just don’t face that challenge often in society. But then when I did the nice deed, I nearly always felt a boost of happiness afterward. A 2009 study by social psychologist Jorge A. Barraza, Ph.D., and neuroscientist Paul J. Zak, Ph.D., attributes this to a release of oxytocin, the feel-good chemical in the brain.

According to the study, when people feel empathetic, they release 47 percent more oxytocin into their hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for emotion and memory. The participants felt the urge to act generously—particularly toward strangers. As Matthieu Ricard, Ph.D., a Buddhist monk and best-selling author, writes in Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill: “When we are happy, the feeling of self-importance is diminished and we are more open to others.” Studies show people who have experienced a positive event in the past hour are more likely to help strangers in need. This explains why we help people, even at a cost to ourselves.

In the late ’80s, the term “helper’s high” was used to describe the euphoria feeling associated with volunteering. Beyond happiness, generous people also experienced enhanced creativity, flexibility, resilience and being open to new information. They’re more collaborative at work; they’re able to solve complex problems more easily and they form solid, healthy relationships with others.

Generosity allows us to forget our own self-importance.

As Stephen G. Post, Ph.D., happiness researcher and founder of The Institute for Research on Unlimited Love, writes, “It may be people who live generous lives soon become aware that in the giving of self lies the unsought discovery of self as the old selfish pursuit of happiness is subjectively revealed as futile and short-sighted.” Generosity allows us to forget our own self-importance, even temporarily, and look outward to uplift those around us who, in turn, often uplift those around them.

Shawn Achor, a Harvard-trained researcher and The Happiness Guy at SUCCESS, calls this the ripple effect. Our behavior, he discovered, is literally contagious. “Our habits, attitudes and actions spread through a complicated web of connections to infect those around us,” he writes. That’s why we sync up with our best friends, often finishing each other’s sentences and reading each other’s thoughts. It’s also why one negative attitude can spread like a disease across an office and infect everyone’s mood.

So are happier people more generous, or does generosity make us happier? Rather than thinking of it as a cause-and-effect relationship, consider happiness and generosity as intertwining entities. “Generating and expressing kindness quickly dispels suffering and replaces it with lasting fulfillment,” writes Ricard, the Buddhist monk. “In turn the gradual actualization of genuine happiness allows kindness to develop as the natural reflection of inner joy.” Helping behavior increases positive emotions, which increases our sense of purpose, regulates stress, and improves short- and long-term health. All of that contributes to a heightened level of happiness, causing us to feel more generous, creating a circle of happiness and generosity.

Why We Aren’t Generous All the Time

I failed twice during my month-long challenge. What began as a positive and energizing morning was quickly derailed—a negative social media post, a complaining text, an overwhelmed co-worker. I refocused my thoughts and tried to make this my kind act for the day. What if I can turn this person’s day around? What if I can help him see the positive side of his situation? I listened, nodded with concern, hyper-aware of my facial expressions, eager to exude empathy and understanding. I’m not sure what I exuded, but both of us left feeling worse than before.

What happened? According to Paul Bloom, professor of psychology and cognitive science at Yale University and author of Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion, I had confused empathy with compassion, resulting in empathetic distress and burnout. Empathy requires feeling what others feel, “to experience, as much as you can, the terrible sorrow and pain,” whereas compassion involves concern and a desire to help without the need to mirror someone else’s anguish.

It turns out, you can be too nice. Psychologists Vicki Helgeson and Heidi Fritz created a questionnaire revealing that women are more likely to put others’ needs before their own, often resulting in asymmetrical relationships as well as an increased risk of depression and anxiety. When we experience empathetic burnout, we often shy away from generosity altogether. Feeling taken advantage of, we retreat inward.

Researchers have also theorized that every kind act is ultimately done to benefit ourselves in some way, even subconsciously. This concept, coined “universal egoism,” offers explanations that are easier to accept than true altruism: a desire to help others void of selfish motives. For example, there are multiple situations that can be initially perceived as true altruism but at its core, the kind act is governed by selfish motives. Ben Dean, Ph.D., psychologist and founder of MentorCoach in Maryland, offers three such examples:

  • It’s a natural response to feel uncomfortable when we see someone suffering. But rather than help in order to ease their suffering, we help them to ease our own discomfort.
  • In an attempt to protect our fragile egos and reputations, we don’t want to be viewed as insensitive, heartless, mean, etc. So we help others even when we might not feel an urge to improve their well-being.
  • We perceive there to be some form of personal benefit from the act, either short- or long-term.

The question remains: Is there a truly selfless act of kindness?

The question remains: Is there a truly selfless act of kindness? And does it even matter where our motivations lie? The homeless man in New York still ate a hot meal, and the two little boys at the pharmacy didn’t stay up all night coughing. Isn’t that what matters?

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

We aren’t consistently generous for a multitude of reasons, but in the traditional corporate setting, the prevailing enemy of generosity is the fear of appearing naïve. (And the possibility of going broke.) After all, isn’t the nice guy the one who finishes last? So we become “Givers” as Adam Grant Ph.D., details in his best-seller Give and Take. In the modern workplace, we are no longer solely evaluated on our work performance, but rather on how we interact as a cohesive unit and how we contribute to the organization as a whole. In fact, Grant’s research reveals this new business landscape paves the way for Givers to succeed and Takers to be left behind. By helping others, we help ourselves.

The important thing to remember is that Givers—especially those predisposed to putting others’ needs before their own—need to know their boundaries. Grant says it begins with distinguishing generosity from its three other attributes: timidity, availability and empathy.

At the risk of sounding cliché, my month of generosity did make me happier. Something about waking up and consciously planning to act selflessly lightened my step and made the morning drag easier to bear. Something about a stranger flashing a smile (albeit a confused one) as I handed them a dog-eared copy of my favorite memoir gave me an energy boost that a triple-shot latte never could.

For a precious hour or so every day, the fear, anxiety, stress and doubt of daily life didn’t plague my thoughts. I briefly forgot about myself, and it was intoxicating. Friends responded to my seemingly arbitrary good mood with confused laughs. When did being happy without reason become a cause for concern? I wondered.

Maybe my heart was in the right place when I gave the blue-eyed man a hot meal. But maybe my ego was directing my actions that night in the pharmacy checkout lane. And maybe I avoided generosity toward my close friends and co-workers because it was more difficult. Buying coffee for a stranger is easy, detached and allows for a clean exit. Gently pushing a friend to divulge her source of anxiety after she says “I’m fine” is not. After all, altruism and honest self-reflection take time and practice.

Thirty days of generosity didn’t make me a different person, but I do feel different. I don’t actively look for ways to be generous, but I notice the opportunities anyway. Like the sticky note residue on my bathroom mirror, I can see gentle impressions of my growth where I least expect it: during rush hour, when I give the benefit of the doubt to the woman cutting into my lane; after a long day of work, when I make time for the struggling friend who needs to talk; and, most important, in the moments when I forget myself and realize the joy to be found in caring for the people around me.

 

Source:

How 30 Days of Kindness Made Me a Better Person

 

 

 

Beauty – Trends, Tips & Tutorials

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Thanks to all who follow my blog!  If you’re new….stick around.  Every day I post new beauty tutorials, product uses, makeup hacks and lots more beauty, and random, topics:)

I’m trying to organically grow an online beauty directory I started.  I’m just a mom working her butt off so any support or feedback is always welcome.

Have a great day!

Tami

Haters Gonna Hate: 10 Ways to Use Haters As Fuel for Success

Upon reaching a certain level of success, there will almost certainly be haters that enter your life. These are people that either fundamentally do not believe in your values or, more likely, are jealous of your accomplishments.

It is easy to let these people get you down. Understandably, we don’t like when others are mean to us or don’t like us. The reality, though, is that having these haters around us is almost inevitable, especially true upon achieving success. Therefore, the options are to either let them affect you or to take advantage of the situation.

Here are 10 ways that you can take advantage by using your haters as fuel for your success:

1. Understand that it means you are doing things right.

The emergence of haters is a signal that you have achieved a certain level of success. If you have not accomplished anything, then, almost certainly, nobody would be paying enough attention to give you criticism.

When there are people hating on you and what you do, then it is a sign that you are on the path toward success. Use this sign as a validation that you have been doing the right types of things.

2. Learn from their attitudes to be more accepting of others.

Seeing the ways in which people negatively treat you can teach you how to be more accepting of others. Instead of mimicking your haters’ actions toward other people, do the opposite. You will develop empathy for what it is like to receive flack.

Then, when you see others in similar boats as you, you can provide support and motivation. This will both help others and allow you to develop meaningful relationships with successful people.

3. Use their criticism as a way to evaluate yourself.

Although a lot of criticism can be rooted in jealousy, there are times when certain criticisms are well-founded. You should not take the hate that you get to heart, but you should listen to what others have to say. At certain times, it can help you become a better person.

If you are working on a project that is environmentally harmful, for example, and you had not realized it, then listening to your haters can give you an important perspective to consider.

4. Be more humble.

You can use criticism as a lesson to take the high road. There will be situations when you can either fight back with others or you can do the right thing. You might be much more accomplished than those that are giving you a hard time.

That being said, you should be humble in your responses. There is no need to brag or try to validate yourself further. Instead, trust your own instinct and respond in a humble, respectful manner.

5. Use them to learn how to deal with conflict.

Dealing with your haters is also a great opportunity to better handle conflict. You could be put in challenging situations, with someone calling you out in a big way on social media or at an event.

Use these experiences as opportunities to learn to navigate conflict. Sometimes you can just take the high road but, in other situations, the response needs to be more nuanced.

6. Learn to control your anger.

Managing anger is also a great challenge in life. People might say things to you that invoke high levels of anger for a variety of reasons. Instead of lashing back, learn to respond calmly.

Take advantage of all the negative words and actions you might be victim to. If you can stay composed in these high-pressure or anxiety-provoking situations, then you will learn to control your anger. Doing so will pay off countless times throughout life.

7. Use them to learn how to ignore negative influences.

There are going to be many negative people in your life. Worrying about their opinions of you will only make you worse off. We cannot get everyone to like us. Therefore, haters serve as a great group to learn this lesson.

We feel even less of an urge to get them to like us compared to people we might know better. Learning to accept that not everyone is going to like you will enable you to focus your attention on the things that matter more. These include being present, challenges at hand, and working to become a better person.

8. Utilize them to become more independent thinking.

You might receive deeply personal insults that attack your beliefs or character. That said, you do not have to conform to anybody else’s beliefs. Instead, you should be proud of what makes you unique.

Learning to love yourself for who you are will enable you to live a more independent-thinking life. That will lead to greater levels of satisfaction and accomplishment.

9. Allow them to motivate you.

Others might tell you that your self-employed business will never succeed or that you will never accomplish your goals. You can use these negative responses as motivation to succeed. You do not need to prove anything to anybody.

That said, if it will motivate you to know that upon your achievements, you will be able to quiet the haters, then take advantage of that, and use it as motivation to work harder.

10. Appreciate your victories.

Haters can also be a great way to better appreciate your victories. Accomplishing something after many people told you that you would not be able to is a great feeling.

You should be proud of what you are able to achieve throughout your life. Your haters can serve as a reminder to appreciate these victories and be grateful for all the good you are fortunate to have.

Source:

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/308567